Changing my mind set

So back in December, I made a huge effort to change my mind set. It was hard and there were days I wrote on here that showed the opposite but it’s all a process and it takes time. And the need to vent and share my frustrations.

Since getting back to the United States and now planning on settling down after traveling full time two years, I have been in a great place of peace and trust. It feels good with a few bumps in the road where I had to ultra trust the situation of clients paying when etc…

Things have been looking very optimistic with my husbands new business. Since getting back he’s made hundreds of connections that most likely will lead to new clients.

Interestingly enough even his old employer possibly wants him to do work for them even after my husband gave them his price quote which is more than we’ve made ever in a while years of income. We find out today what they want and how much of the quote they are willing to pay.

Last night we sat out side the porch with the cool evening breeze and discussed on how things could dramatically change for us.

Yes there is an quiet excitement and it’s not how I thought I’d feel. It’s very calm and peaceful and even if we don’t get the project bid I KNOW there are so many right opportunities that will fall along our path as we plan and focus on our future life intentions.

Our family life intentions and what that looks like rather than focusing on the how it will come to pass or how the money will be found. Also not limiting our hows but being open to directions and clear paths along the journey. Makes for exciting times!

Where are we going next

I’ve been thinking a lot about where we’re going next. Yeah we’ve decided to settle down in a home base but I don’t feel completely sure on where it will be.

I do know of the location. And I feel like it’s that direction 95% but then I doubt and think could it be somewhere else.

There’s that quiet thought of that it could be but where?

So I start to wonder and sort of look around at the US map and do random searches as to beat town to live in. Or best walkable towns.

Hubby wants to be in a walkable town. Not sure.

I was talking to a friend today and she said that there’s lots of questions in my heart. Yep indeed there is.

For now though I feel like we don’t just wait but continue moving forward to the “plan” as we know it and we’ll know as we walk out the process of our lives.

I feel like I’ve waited all my life and now it’s time to move and keep moving Take action instead of just sitting around wondering if it’s the right step to take. I would always just wait around wondering.

I think that’s why there was such a sense of being trapped in Mexico because I felt we couldn’t really do what we wanted. Especially when I was so ready to go.

I feel god will meet us on the path. I know there is a scripture that says “wait on the lord” and also a scripture that says “his word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path.”

I know that being sensitive to the leading of the spirit is important and I believe the desires in our heart are ways he’s leading.

At the end of the week, we’ll hash out a plan for what’s to come in April and then well see which direction we should pursue and head towards.

Back in the USA πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡Έ

I am so stinking thankful to be back in the good ole USA. I feel like depression lifted as soon as I got off the plane and saw the welcome to the United States of America πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡Έ. when we came into customs.

We’re staying with family now and hope to get more money made and small debts paid so we can head to our new home base our west and find a more longer term home rental.

Dang it though my trusting vibes have been great but now I feel worrisome. I had to get on here because I felt a little irritated by the negative balance in our bank account. Ugh! Enough already!

I have to tell myself that it is ok and we’ll soon get a hold of this and we’ll be making so much money that our account will never be negative ever again. Our lowest amount balance will never drop below 10k.

That my dear is my intention.

I’m also making the intention that in two years we’ll purchase land and build the house of our dreams. Build it to our hearts desire!!! Fill it with beautiful things and make it super cozy.

That my dear is my intention.

When I get bummed out I have to come on here and script my future life so I feel it. I see it in my thoughts and imagination so it becomes so real to me like it’s happening tomorrow.

So as I type this, I am starting to feel amazing. I feel like it will happen soon. Our account will be no less than 10k and we’ll be able to purchase land and home and be able to give our kids what they need and want.

The Trust, untrust, trust Roller Coaster

The past couple days have been better. We were able to pay the landlady off! Hallelujah praise the Lord!! And I sure hope we don’t have to pay her again and be on our merry way back to the states March 1st.

The money we received the other day from my husband’s client helped my mind and heart so much. Immediately I felt lighter. And relived.

It’s is so strange how seeing no money in the bank account can trigger so many feelings and thoughts. It’s a feeling of desperation, depression, no motivation, and hopelessness.

I tend to always look to the worst case scenario too, which I’m trying to switch my thinking and believe for great things.

I guess I think the worst case scenario is more believable than something good happening?

Gosh darn that’s a horrible way to live and I have to stop thinking those thoughts!!

Writing my thoughts down helps me to sort it out. I realize that it isn’t healthy to think in the worst cases. I guess it’s my way of coping with the “what if’s”.

A best case scenario would be that my husband gets clients to pay every week and we have lots of money in the account. No need to worry and I can do those things that I have in my heart to do.

Why is it such a rollercoaster ride?

So we had a bill hit our account right before I was headed out to get cash from the atm machine so I could purchase our bottled water which is important to buy here in Mexico.

I got dressed. Looked in the mirror and I looked fatter and my jeans felt tight. Yuck. Then I told the kids I was going to run my errands. But first checked the account just in case a bill hit. And lo and behold it did!!

Sent a message to my husband and he said he just sent a request from 3 different clients to pay their invoices. Now we wait.

In the meantime I’ll will continue on with my day trusting for the good today instead of feeling desperate. Even though today I’ve been feeling a little down.

These premenopausal hormones are no fun.

Trusting is Hard Sometimes

I had a horrible weekend.

I know a lot has to do with my mental health and how I feel things but boy was it a tough weekend- especially in the trust arena.

I had terrible thoughts going through my head. I felt incredibly pathetic and out of control.

My husband and I fought which brought me to tears; Even my little girl was worried about us. She came to me and said: I don’t want you and daddy to get a divorce.

What?! Oh my heart!

Yeah it was an awful weekend.

I’m still trying to get free from the claws of feeling trapped and out of control.

I know that our money issues are real and my husband having left his other job to start a new business is real.

But how can I look past that and just trust?

My landlady sent me a message asking if we’ll be paying the rest of rent today. Ugh!! I hate hate hate letting people down. And hate not having the upper hand and that means not owing people anything even though I do have lots of student debt.

I am trying so hard to be happy and trust my husband and trust the situation but I desperately want to leave Mexico.

I’ve even had visions of living with my mom. I guess it’s a sense of security that I’m seeking. When we were in heated discussion, I even told my husband that maybe he should stay if that’s what he wants. Me and the kids can go stay with my mom.

And no he doesn’t want to stay in Mexico but he does want us to wait to go or until we can make more money. I say – I want to leave ASAP! I feel like we’ve been here way to long and I hate to wait.

Again…..

Trust – day 7,8

I guess I was on a high last week. I felt great but now feel so anxious and frustrated. Trust doesn’t feel as easy today.

Everything is bothering me today. I feel antsy like I need to find the something to make me feel ok.

I watch a show

I read a book

I go on Social media

I start a chore

But nothing is helping today.

Even when I went out with my husband for coffee this morning I felt anxious and frustrated and worried and a little angry.

I know it’s all just feelings and not real. Not that feelings aren’t real.

I guess I’m in that place where I need to solve things, find a solution to whatever I’m going through.

You see: I have no idea where we’re going after Mexico. We want to settle down a bit but then I start to wonder how that’s going to happen and where will we land at first.

Ultimately we want to live in the Northwest of the US but how quickly when will we get there so then my mind goes to planning and that really can frustrate me.

I just have to live for the moment when I get in this mode. It’s hard but it’s – trust.

Can I trust my livelihood today. Not worry about tomorrow because I don’t know what amazing things will happen tomorrow, next week or even when we leave Mexico.

Let me trust God has goodness for us continually.

Trust – day 6

What does trust feel like?

Trust feels secure

Trust feels peaceful

Trust feels confident

I’m sure there is more to the feel of trust but for now these are what I am feeling.

I had to practice trust today with my landlord. Our internet went out a few days ago and not having internet here at home a huge burden and no-no. Apparently she didn’t pay the bill and said she would do it ASAP. But her ASAP is god knows when that would happen. It was my time to trust her for her word.

That was hard. I did waver a bit with thoughts that she was incompetent and unwilling to even do a simple task like paying the bill. I had negative thoughts of her but had to toss them quickly because I was going to have good vibes toward her and trust.

Honestly though I felt like a bit like I had no say in when she should do it since we had to ask her for an extension on paying this months rent. Remember I mentioned that we didn’t get my husbands check and it will be coming around mid month.

So this meant I couldn’t just come after her with my threats. Oh and not that I threaten. I just annoying the crap out of people over messaging them with questions and demanding answers pretty much ASAP.

Ok – I sorta have control issues. I like things to be done right away. I guess cause that’s what I would do for others. If they ask for a job down then I do my best to complete it ASAP or at least communicate as to why things are being delayed etc… I like to inform people of the process whether they ask for it or not.

I guess that’s somewhat controlling?

Part of this trust journey is about letting go and letting people just do their thing without me interfering.

I also had to trust my husband today. We had to delay our truck payment and he was in charge of calling the company. I did ask him once if he had made the call. He replied – No. but I’ll call them right now.

So as a went about my day the internet came back on and we received a client payment.

It felt good to trust today. I even felt confident and pretty. I ran my errands in town with my head held high, a smile on my face and my shoulders upright.

It was a good day indeed.

😊