Trust – Day 5

I woke up today a little extra late. I’ve been sleeping in since being in Mexico. I think it might be because I feel like there’s nothing much to do and honestly sometimes my dreams are more exciting than my real life.

I’ve had to practice my trust today just a bit. I’ve been thinking how making money is currently not possible on my end so all my trust has to be for my husband. Hoping he will do the right thing and make the income we need.

My job is to focus on being the best wife,mother, homemaker I can be despite my current limited income.

Gosh – since I can remember, I have always thought of ways to provide for our family – either I can make money (without going to work) or how we could start a family business or ways my husband could make more.

My mind always consumed with making money.

There’s was one year that I went to work to “help” with the finances but lo and behold we never really saw an increase in our money. Somehow it went out the door.

All I can say about that is that I’m suppose to be home caring for our family, focusing on my gifts and creativity.

Not focusing on the budget.

Not focusing on how to get more money.

Not focusing on lack.

So today I tried very hard to focus on trusting my husband and on my role as a housewife.

Trust – days 1,2,3,4…

I told my husband that I will be journaling each day about how I trusted God, Holy Spirit in me…in this life I’m currently living.

Each day (or as often as I can) I want share a bit on how I had to trust.

Day 1-4 it was a hard start to the first of the month. We basically found out we weren’t going to get our paycheck at the 1st but it would be coming in the 18th.

You see my husband and quit his job. He’s been with a company for the last three years. Having this job has given us the ability to travel around like we’ve been.

Unfortunately his job with this company became limiting. He wasn’t fully able to be creative in his company so we both decided he should quit and pursue his own biz.

So here we are not even in the US with a new business and trying to make ends meet with this new endeavor.

Yeah.

There’s a piece of me that thinks what the heck did we do but honestly a bigger part of me says: It totally makes sense to do this now!!

When his old company said that he wouldn’t get his last pay until later, I had a very hard time. I had all sorts of thoughts coming into mind but I had to push them away with faith for a greater tomorrow.

A greater future.

A future where I don’t worry about money or how much I can spend on groceries. I focused on the life ahead of me and who that woman and family are.

Remarkably enough, I pushed forward and within hours we collected money from some of his new clients.

That was Friday and work continues but so does our forward thinking of our future life and who we are in that other realm.

I believe in The law of attraction and I also believe in God’s goodness. We’re Christians and when I study the law of attraction I see it just as what Jesus came preaching.

Faith – trust!

He gave good gifts to this whole world and I’m reaching out and grabbing hold of them all!!

Rejection

When I feel rejection of any kind I want to escape..leave…run…break relationship.

For example – I have friends who have moved on from our relationship and then I still have a few friends who have new friends so we’re not as close anymore like we were. When I see them post something about their other friendships I feel so rejected and unwanted.

Selfish right?

Then I think – “I don’t need them in my life anymore” and feel like disappearing. The feeling in my gut is deep sadness and anger.

Gosh I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s stupid and silly and rather childish.

Sometimes I wonder what the heck is wrong with me?

Just Like T.V.

I escape.

Escape into a place that is imaginary.

My TV shows make me feel so happy, so dreamy.

I wish real life could feel this way sometimes.

I often wonder: What if I lived in TV world?

Living in a small quaint town where everyone is there to help and be a friend? Where neighborhoods are beautiful and people sit on their porches. Where coffee shops are frequented by happy people.

When I watch these shows I’m drawn in by the way it makes me feel. Happy and love filled.

I love romantic type movies or shows but then I wonder why I don’t feel it fully in my own life?

Not that my husband and I don’t have romance. We do. We go on dates all the time. We love going out for coffee, walk around the town and talk life.

Just yesterday we did this. He had asked if anyone in the house (me or the kids) wanted to go out for a walk. I hesitated because I felt so blah and didn’t feel like seeing anyone. But I pulled myself out of it and decided to join him.

We walked our authentic town here in Mexico. It was a beautiful night but didn’t feel the romance. My heart felt sad for no apparent reason.

Depression sucks sometimes and I never know when it’s gonna hit.

My husband made jokes. I laughed. Then felt sad again.

It hits like a wave sometimes.

He holds my hand but only lasts for a minute because I pull it away. I didn’t want to be touched.

I felt pathetic and sad.

We walked some more. The night was beautiful with a nice breeze. We find the candy store, purchase the candy for our soon to be 10 yr old baby girl’s birthday piñata.

We walked some more. I laughed at his jokes. Then felt sad again like a wave with no reason for sadness.

We walked by the ice cream shop and he asked if I wanted ice cream. I hesitated for a second but then said – why not?

We bought our ice cream and walked to the centro park and stared at the beautiful church. Sat on the bench and listened to the mariachi band sing ballads of love.

Across from me were two young twenty somethings kissing and holding hands.

My husband leaned to me and says, “to be young, in love and when nothing else matters.” He then whispers, “I love you so much.”

I smile and tell him the same. Kissed his bearded face and we finished off our ice cream.

And so I say….If I was watching our life on TV, I’d want to jump right into that life minus the depression of course.

A tree lined country road

When I close my eyes and imagine my future life and future home I see myself driving down a country road.

Trees line this dirt road but then again not sure if it’s dirt or paved. I am looking to my left but don’t think I’m driving. I look past the trees and see a pasture of golden grass. Then we turn left into our gated drive.

It’s a circular driveway. I just see it from my house and I’m standing out on the driveway looking at the vehicle drive in about to pull into our driveway.

It’s a summer day. Flowers are in full bloom and I see my front porch in my peripheral with the sunshine shining bright on the side yard.

So does this place exist in real life? Am I seeing a glimpse of my future and why am I picturing this?

I also have another picture of me sitting in a quaint neighborhood (actually one I visited in the Northwest) and the one we have said we’d like to live in. The house has a gorgeous front porch with flowers everywhere and a porch swing where I sit to drink and read. I see the house but for some reason my heart connects more to that place off the country road.

Where is this place?

I’m crying right now

Not sure why?

Actually I went on social media. Scrolled through.

Felt all kinds of sad depressed feels.

Something inside me just needs to weep.

Darn these hormones. Get a hold of yourself lady! That’s what I tell myself.

I looked up a few people that I’ve been following. One is a travel family that started their travels about 6 months ago. They seem so happy.

I looked up a few friends on Facebook and guess what felt sad and crying.

Why?

I’m not sure what the feelings are. It’s like I’m missing out or like they are way more happy and have way more friends than me.

I’m not sure why I feel this way? Have I always felt this way?

I think – even before social media, before people’s glorious perfect and imperfect life was all over social networks, I felt this way.

I remember when I belonged to a church I’d sit back and watch at all the cool church ladies bouncing from one friend to another. This awful feeling of not being cool enough or not being rich enough or not being spiritual enough plagues my mind. I was never good enough not even when I did things to make me feel better, I never felt like I could compare to those around me.

I tried to be the happy fun loving person so I could attract those fun and happy and popular peers attention but I’d only become friends with a few quieter nerdy ladies.

I desperately wanted to fit in.

I looked in the mirror and criticized my whole being. It’s so sad. 😞

I then would judge those people and said “I don’t need superficial people in my life”

Actually I became friends with a few and honestly they were superficial. It’s like I just could connect in a deeper way. They were preoccupied with fashion, building a new home and decor, private school for their kids, sporting events, shopping, wood floors (big deal at the time), etc…

then here I was trying to fit in but all I could really relate to is how much time I spent to get closer to God. However those same church ladies couldn’t really relate with that on a deeper level. So then realized I don’t have much in common with these women who seem so out together.

So here I am been away from my old church “friends” and hometown for almost two years. And whenever I do go on Facebook and scroll I feel like I’m missing out on that social life or rather the social life I though I wanted.

Then I feel like posting but why….no one cares. Maybe because I don’t care and criticize myself and don’t completely know how to fully love myself.

I though i did but why do the thoughts of the popular people from church socialites still plague me. You’d think I’d have grown up already.

Why does this bother me so much and this is when I feel like disappearing from social media. Not just me not posting but actually not even looking up people that come to mind.

Then – I know this is longer than I planned writing – then I wonder if some people feel like this about my travels.

They might think “there she is again with her perfect family traveling the world, wish I could do that”

And I do know some of some women that would say this and probably tell me that they are jealous of my life.

Then I stand back and look and think that my life is pretty good and I’m a beautiful soul who if you ever meet you automatically like me because I’ve been told that I’m very lovable, caring and so genuine.

To Share or Not to Share on Social Media

Doesn’t it annoy you sometimes to see everyone’s crap out there?

But then the weird thing is that you kinda get pulled into it. Even when you don’t want to.

But what happens when you’re the one feeding the social media cravings?

You’re posting and then over post.

When is it time to hold back and does anyone really care what the heck you’re doing today?

Why are we so drawn to checking up on other people’s lives? I often wonder this.

I hate social media sometimes. I have to be careful I don’t fall into the comparison game that seems to capture quite a bunch of people.

Should I share or not?

Sometimes I want to share because I want the hearts and likes but then I feel rejected or not as amazing if I get a few likes.

Yuck that’s awful! Right?

Then I feel like withdrawing, not sharing anything about my life and never let anyone know what I’m doing.

but you know what? There’s such a sense of freedom when i think of just disappearing from social media.

I actually stopped following a lot of the travel people on Instagram because it wasn’t giving me the right kind of “feels” anymore. And don’t get me wrong it is amazing to travel – we’ve been full time traveling for two years now.

It’s just that it doesn’t benefit me to see where in the world they are and what they’re doing.

And what are they doing it for? Social media?

I remember reading a blog post where a question was posed “If there was no social media would people even travel so much or go on those humanitarian trips to help the needy?)

Ouch!

Wow – that is something for all of us to think on; I actually have.

Since before Christmas I stopped posting so much about my time in Mexico and made the choice to not extend our time just to stay at the beach for a month.

Why?

Because I asked myself that question and answered truthfully. Is it so my friends on Facebook or instagram think I live a cool life?

What relief I felt when I chose to not go and to actually live life outside of posting on social media.

Yea that question was very provoking. I took it to heart and tossed it around and realized that a lot of what I’ve been doing is to “show off” a bit.

I want people to see that I am doing something amazing but I’m sure most of them don’t even care.

All in all it feels good to disappear from social media for a while.

Love Your Enemies

Dang it!

It can be so hard to love your enemies, especially when they seem so unjust.

Since living in Mexico these past few months we have been renting a home from a local property management company not Airbnb or HomeAway which we’ve always rented through.

Advice: Don’t ever rent outside of a legitimate vacation home rentals company unless it’s in the US.

It’s been one thing after another with our current living situation. It’s funny because I had told my husband I wanted to experience the local life of Mexico and that my friend we have in so many ways. The good and the bad.

So issues we’ve had:

No internet for two weeks – (Starbucks became our best friend)

We have had a washer placed in our house but it came broken. The property manager literally said she was buying herself a new one and she was giving us her old one. I thought she was joking but she was actually telling the truth!! 😮 it took the the repairman several days for him to finally come fix it so I had to wash clothes for our crew of 8 peeps by hand.

Not dreamy – even though it sounds somewhat dreamy to hang clothes on the line on a beautiful terrace in Mexico overlooking the Authentic city. It’s gets old.

Finally the washer was fixed but now only washes small loads. So now I do laundry all day, every day. 😖

I dream of washers and dryers. And actually could use a laundry service but don’t have that luxury right now even though I’ve heard it’s cheap.

Ok enough of the laundry issues. Next…

• She is now blaming my kids for a broken door which was already cracked.

• We moved in with only a few dishes, blankets and no towels. (Do you understand “lady” that we only packed carry ons and didn’t bring towels and blankets.) we had to buy towels, and dishes. We’ve only been in Mexico 2 months but feels like a months and months.
• We paid her 2 deposits (one supposedly for the washer – that broke again and I’ve been without one for three days already! )
• The two deposits are not for the last months rent which I assumed it was and what she meant but nah. We have to pay our last months rent which is January (hallelujah we’re leaving the house Feb 1st)

So I was furious last night as I was messaging her about the freakin washer and last months rent. I was so mad I felt my blood pressure rise and had a head ache 😖

I realized how I was sending all this negative energy up and in me that I hated it. I’m not this person. I’m actually a person who is a peacemaker and is very unsettled when things get bad – That’s all I think about.

After letting it bother me until bedtime, I quietly told myself I am not that person and I will bless my enemy and send positive energy towards her and the situation. I fell asleep thinking and breathing in peace.

This morning my husband and I were talking about our money situation and realized that if I had thousands of dollars in our bank account I wouldn’t have been so overworked about the deposits etc… or even the washer.

We both decided that we wanted to just let her keep the deposits as a way of saying we don’t ever, ever need to fight over money – with anyone!! Period!

I woke up this morning with this scripture on my notifications:

“But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭6:35‬ ‭

This came to my memory as I talked it over with my husband and after we decided to just give her the deposits, something just lifted and I actually felt love for her. It felt so good to give and not fight about money.

I picture myself as that person that doesn’t lack but gives and I want to be her right now even when I don’t have thousands in my account!!

This 2019 will be all about gift giving and peaceful abundant living!!

One Day We’ll Be Rich.

One day soon I hope.

How do I begin…well it feels crappy when we have negative money in our bank account while sitting in the middle of Mexico wondering when our paycheck will arrive so we can buy food.

I honestly got a glimpse of what it’s like to be a poor Mexican. You can see the poverty in their eyes. They walk down the street with sad eyes without much hope for the future. They have no curiosity and barely smile as you walk by. Heads held down.

They do have homes, tortillas to eat and have to wash clothes by hand. They walk to their jobs to clean the homes of the wealthier living in downtown. But I see it in their faces…all they can think about is survival. Because they dont see much opportunity around them.

I can somewhat relate. We have never really had much in savings. We’ve always lived pay check to check with a couple times taking out welfare. We’ve always just survived and we always make it.

These last 2 years we’ve been traveling full time and it’s been enjoyable with what we could do living pay check to pay check. And I don’t regret us doing this because we have memories to carry on with us into the future.

Yes…living pay check to pay check is something I don’t want to do anymore. I’ve been listening to and reading materials on the law of attraction and how our energy can push away money that is suppose belong to us. Sometimes our own belief about money deflects it. I don’t completely understand other than I do believe God does want good for all His creation and that there is so much about the universe and our minds that we don’t completely understand.

All I can do is stay positive, especially now…

My husband has decided that he wants to leave his current company. He works as an independent contractor selling the service the company provides so you can say that he’s basically running his own business but with limitations. And that’s what really bothers him.

He knows that he can do his own thing and start his very own business. He’s always been an entrepreneur at heart. So have I…so I support this move. But it’s so hard when we don’t know the future of what it will produce.

We’ve actually had two business in the past that we “tried” but they both failed. Maybe the third will be the charm??

We do hope that we’ll double our current income in 2019, no longer living pay check to pay check, and in our future to never know lack again.

The Disappearing Act

Hello, hello again.

I’ve been off site for about a year. Not sure what kept me away. I guess I just didn’t have anything much to share but negative things but heck this is the space to vent and share some of my ups and downs of life.

I guess I’m not sure where to take this blog? I like being anonymous but sometimes I just want to share who I am. Not that I’m famous or anything – nope not at all!!

I don’t have many friends. I’m just a stay at home mom who has come to appreciate my role in this life. It feels good to embrace motherhood and homemaking. That’s for another day, another post.

We’ve been traveling again this year since thats what we do full time. But but … soon to settle down a bit. Yep.

I’ve realized that I don’t really want to continue full time travel like we have done. Should I dare say that it’s been a little blah lately. Not as exciting as it once was. It’s been tough on some of the kids and don’t want to fight it.

Not gonna lie, heck yeah, it’s been fun but time to find “home” again after two years of being “homeless”.

So yes, I am ready to get a house again and fill up with things. I think the homemaking/interior designer bug has bit me.

And that’s for another post. Another day.

We considered settling last year around this time but realized we weren’t ready to buy furniture and so soon. And I wanted to travel abroad. We had only been traveling 10 months.

And just to give you a quick update – we finally left the US this year and arrived into Mexico. Been here a bit but honestly haven’t enjoyed myself like I thought I would. We are living amongst the locals and I miss American conveniences (like a clothes dryer and my vehicle) so very much and the food here is so so. Call me a baby but yeah it’s been tough living abroad.

I’m not cut out to adjusting to foreign ways. I guess I’m old and set in my ways? I’ve realized that if we do live abroad again we’d stay a shorter amount of time, like 4-6 weeks.

Mexico became boring after 2 weeks. And having little spending money doesn’t help. And that’s for another blog post and another day.

Dang it why am I complaining. I’m probably going to miss Mexico after we leave in a few months.

And before we go, I really want to see the beach. Oh yeah we’re not at a beach we’re in a smallish city near Mexico City. Very quaint indeed.

I guess I’m just missing “home”.